Anxiety is here to stay, and it can be good for you, so let’s learn to manage it, writes Samantha Garner.
Anxiety is a word that has become commonplace in our post covid world. I hear so many times ‘I have anxiety’ or ‘they suffer with anxiety’. Social media is full of ‘experts’ on anxiety espousing ways of curing anxiety, from breathing techniques to eating certain foods. But you don’t ‘cure’ anxiety. We don’t want to get rid of it. Anxiety is important; it has a function. We need to experience anxiety and some anxiety can be exciting. Simply put, we have anxiety when we are presented with situations where there are elements we cannot control. This lack of control triggers a fear response. This response has developed over millions of years and it is designed to make us a little bit physically stronger and more mentally alert. It’s designed to help us escape predators—think neanderthals escaping woolly mammoths.
Even in the modern day without woolly mammoths, anxiety is good because it gives us a little oomph in stressful situations. I have anxiety whenever I speak publicly. I have anxiety writing this article. What if people don’t like it? What if they think it’s rubbish? What if all goes wrong. That’s normal and good. Like I said, a little bit of anxiety gives us a bit of extra oomph.
Anxiety becomes a problem when we don’t manage it and it starts to impact our life in a negative way. It stops us from doing things. What we need to do is manage the anxiety so we get the good, necessary bits, but it doesn’t control us or our lives.
Sometimes, in an effort to reduce our anxiety, we develop maladaptive behaviours and thoughts which we think will help us feel more in control. But they aren’t actually managing the anxiety, they just give us something else to be anxious about. Avoidance is a safety behaviour—it’s not managing the anxiety, it’s avoiding the situation that causes the anxiety. Compulsive behaviours and routines aren’t managing the anxiety, they are just adding more things to become anxious about when the routine doesn’t work so something else is added. Another safety behaviour is continually needing reassurance that everything is ok. Again, only temporary relief hence the need to continue to keep seeking reassurance.
Think about safety behaviours for yourself—how many of you can’t sit down and relax if the house isn’t tidy, or the dishwasher is stacked properly. How many of you like to rewatch or reread books? These are safety behaviours possibly linked to being judged for a messy house, or not wanting to watch something that will upset you.
Unless we are taught how to effectively manage anxiety, we will continue to revert to our safety behaviours.
Children with SEN are statistically more likely to have a diagnosable anxiety disorder. Theories as to why include:
- neurodiversity causes challenges recognising and managing emotions
- increased experience of negative life experiences
- limited resources supporting mental health
- overprotective support networks
- education focus on academic results
- higher statistical likelihood of being bullied
In reality it’s going to be a combination of these, and other factors. It’s estimated around 80% of Autistic People will have a diagnosable anxiety disorder in their lifetime and safety behaviours such as avoidance and control, are commonplace.
Managing anxiety effectively involves having a toolbox of strategies that work for the individual and I’m not talking about just breathing. Here are some suggestions of where to start.
Language—think about the language used around the child. It is defeatist and deficit language. Talk about the importance of anxiety and how we manage it rather than get rid of it.
Challenge the comfort zone—anxiety gives us physical symptoms which can interpret as a warning and retreat. Reframe that into anxiety giving us extra strength to work through the uncomfortableness and come out the other side. The more we work through and continue, the larger our comfort zone is.
Look at what you model—do you catastrophize? Do you effectively manage your anxiety and model that yourself?
Challenge your own thinking—we all want to protect children from difficulty, but sometimes our desire to do that is actually having a negative impact. Ask yourself regularly—how is what I am doing helping and empowering them to manage their anxiety.
Learn rationalisation strategies—learn to think through and rationalise anxiety effectively. This is where Cognitive Behavioural Therapy type techniques are effective, they help us rationalise and reframe negative thoughts. My go-to is asking myself a) how likely is my fear to come true, and b) what will I do if it does come true. Being realistic as to how likely is it to happen and also having a plan for if it does happen reduces anxiety.
Boost self-esteem—part of anxiety comes from a fear of not being good enough, or not being able to cope with something. If we have healthy self-esteem we have a greater belief in our ability to cope in situations.
Take small steps—this is called exposure therapy and involves building up to bigger challenges. Break down goals into smaller steps and plan each step. What is the step, when are you going to try it, what could happen and what will you do in each scenario. Afterwards review—how did it go? Are you ready to move to the next step or do you need to repeat the step and do something differently? There is no failure, only feedback.