A day in the diary of an AuADHD kid.
Morning thoughts. I wake up already feeling like I’m losing. My chest’s heavy and my thoughts are fuzzy, like bees flying in every direction. School feels like a storm coming. I sharpen my pencil three times before I leave the house. I don’t know why, but it helps me feel… ready. Like if I just do things a certain way, maybe today will be okay. My mum talks to me like she knows I’m wobbling inside, even when I don’t say anything. She’s like my shield, even when I don’t know what I need shielding from. Mask on. Let the pretending begin.
I am diagnosed Autistic with Demand Avoidance, I am also ADHD with extreme Social Anxiety.
First Period: English. The teacher says “Get on with the task.” There’s loads of writing on the board. Lots of steps, bits of instruction, but it’s a blur. I sharpen my pencil. Fiddle with my sleeve. Try not to let my panic crawl up my throat. I look busy, because if I ask for help, people will think I’m slow. I look normal, so how could I possibly be confused?
Second Period: Maths. “Do this now.” That phrase knocks the air out of me. Doesn’t matter if I want to do it, I freeze. Sometimes I have little things I need to do first, like lining up my pens, tapping my shoe, checking my bag twice. I don’t plan it. It just happens. I wish teachers would say things like: “How can I help you” instead of sending me out of class or giving me a detention for not listening. I do try to listen. It just doesn’t make sense. No one is listening to me, or has the time to help me so I continue to distract myself. A double lesson is a long time to sit and look into space or pretend I know what they are talking about.
Lunch break. This bit should be relaxing. It’s not. It’s noisy, people move too fast, and I’m always worried about doing something wrong like saying the wrong thing or accidentally bumping into someone. Even if I’m laughing, I’m still worried. Even if I’m with friends, and I have only two, I’m still anxious.
Afternoon lessons. If I wriggle, tap, or mumble, I’m not messing around—I’m trying to keep control. But I get into trouble. “Sit still!” “What is wrong with you?” Sometimes people laugh at me when the Teacher shouts. That hurts a lot. And then I do more silly things because I am trying to calm myself and this is the only way I know how. Wriggling, flicking, humming and stuff. It always gets me the wrong kind of attention.End of the Day
Home time. My brain is fried. No matter how quiet my face looks, I’ve been holding it together all day. Sometimes I cry in the bath. Sometimes I hide in my room and play Minecraft. Sometimes I sing, quietly, where no one can hear because I love it, but I’m scared of being seen and judged. My mum loves my singing.