Ashley Costello on the family dynamics that can arise when you have a child with special educational needs, and some practical ways for everyone to thrive.
Raising a child with SEN is a journey filled with love, complexity and very hard work. As a therapist, I’ve seen how the presence of SEN in one child can create unexpected ripples across the whole family. We often hear the phrase ‘it takes a village’, but in families where one child requires more attention, the village can feel stretched thin. Neurotypical siblings can feel ‘forgotten’, or they’re ‘playing second fiddle’. It’s not uncommon, therefore, for these siblings to take on one of the following roles to gain connection with the adults around them:
The Perfect Child: These siblings often become ‘mini helpers’ or high achievers – making life easier for parents by either excelling at school or taking care of younger siblings so as not to cause any additional stress.
The Lost Child: ‘Seen and not heard’ children make themselves invisible so as not to demand any time or draw attention.
The Scapegoat: Often getting into trouble with school, this child is seen as ‘difficult’ at home and the instigator of conflict. All these roles are survival strategies, not signs of bad behaviour. Emotionally, the children are trying to find their place in a system that feels lopsided.
What helps?
Shine a light on them. How you do this might look different for each child, so pay close attention to their individual personality traits and needs. Options include:
- One-on-one time (research shows 10 minutes a day of uninterrupted time can make a huge difference)
- Their own support plan at school to boost confidence or encourage the expansion of their friendship circle
- A space in the house that is theirs alone (they often have to compromise, so having something of their own helps them feel special too)
- Celebrate their interests outside the family’s SEN narrative. Encourage extra classes after school or at weekends (often with friends, so they don’t miss out if siblings have appointments)
The invisible comparison: when there are no siblings
On the flipside, in families with only one child, it can be harder to recognise that additional needs are even present. Without a point of comparison, subtle signs may be dismissed as simply personality quirks. By the time additional needs are recognised, parents and carers are often burnt out.
What helps?
You’re the expert with your child. Trust your instincts, even if others are telling you to wait and see. Early intervention can make a significant difference. Seek community. Even one understanding parent or an online group can help you feel less alone. I often recommend that families keep a journal of challenges they are facing, such as meltdowns, difficulty completing milestones etc. This provides not only clarity for professionals but also helps validate your experiences.
When the relationship takes the hit
One of the quietest casualties of having a child with SEN can be the parents’ relationship, which is at risk of a higher divorce rate [2]. When days are spent advocating, navigating appointments and managing meltdowns or medical needs, there’s little energy left for the grownup relationship. You become co-managers of a complex care system, and intimacy or connection slides down the priorities list.
What helps?
Small moments of connection matter. A text saying: ‘Thinking of you’; a shared cup of tea in silence; ten minutes spent walking the dog together. Acknowledge where you are both at: “I have nothing left to give right now. Can I ask you to sort XYZ?” Be intentional about making plans for when you might get some free time together. Individual or couples therapy can be a safe space to rediscover who you are beyond being parents and carers. If you are solo parenting, cultivate a support system that creates respite time for you – even if it’s only ten minutes out of your day to sit, breathe and process.
Language, labels and love
Families can struggle with the language of diagnosis: what it means, when to use it and how it lands with others. Sometimes, one parent is quicker to reach acceptance than the other. Extended family members may push back, insisting the child will “grow out of it” or “we didn’t have all these labels in my day.”
What helps?
Labels are not limits. They are information. They don’t define your child, but they can help you—and them—understand their world. The label is the beginning of a better way forward, whether it’s a grandparent, teacher or other professional finding the gaps in communication or support of that young person. Family conversations are hard, but important. Frame them around understanding rather than explanation: “We’ve noticed this is how Sam experiences the world, and this is how we can help him.” Give practical examples, such as: “Sam finds the park easier when he wears his ear defenders.”
Hope and humour: our most underrated tools
I wish to offer one thing to every family in this situation, and that is hope – not the kind that ignores reality, but the kind that says: “We will get through this.” Reach out to other families who are going through something similar but are maybe further ahead on the journey. And never underestimate humour. One mum told me her family kept a ‘Well, that didn’t go to plan!’ jar, where they would write down all the laughably difficult days. They would read them back once a month with cake. “It’s chaos,” she said, “but it’s our chaos.”
Further reading:
https://www.frontiersin.org/journals/psychology/articles/10.3389/fpsyg.2023.1096128/full
https://teachrare.org/high-divorce-rate-for-families-with-special-needs-children/