Show them that their experiences are real and they matter, says Teodora Byrne.
Gaslighting is when someone denies another person’s reality so consistently that the person starts to question their own experience. While the term often refers to intentional emotional manipulation, it can also happen subtly and systemically, especially in environments that prioritise compliance over understanding. Sometimes, neurodivergent children are told, explicitly or implicitly, that what they feel isn’t real, that their needs are too much or that they’re being difficult on purpose. These moments add up. They chip away at a child’s sense of self, safety and trust in the adults around them. They shut down vital lines of communication. Neurodivergent children may not have the words or the safety to express what they’re experiencing directly. What looks like an excuse could be their way of saying I’m overwhelmed. I’m scared. I don’t know how to do this. I need help.
Sometimes, gaslighting can be gentle, wrapped in smiles, charts and positive reinforcement. Praise laced with pressure. Encouragement that assumes yesterday’s success wasn’t the result of masking, adrenaline or unsustainable effort. Adults often mean well, but meaning well doesn’t undo the harm of being misunderstood and fighting for your truth.
And sometimes it’s loud. You’re lazy. I don’t believe you. That’s not the way I am feeling. You’re so dramatic. You’ll just have to put up with it like the rest of us. You’re overreacting.
Neurodivergent children are sometimes expected to self-regulate in environments that disregard their regulation needs. They are chastised for reacting to conditions no one else is asked to tolerate. Then, when they break down, the focus is on the breakdown not the buildup. It’s easier to chastise the reaction than to investigate the reason. They learn to mask because they’ve learned it costs less than being believed.
The term gaslighting may feel uncomfortable when applied to adults who love and care for children. And yet it fits. When they repeatedly tell children their experiences are wrong, exaggerated or not real, they teach them not to trust themselves. This weakens their internal compass. It teaches them to scan the room for cues instead of scanning themselves for truth—their truth.
When we choose to believe neurodivergent children, we change the story they tell themselves later. We show them that their experiences are real and they matter. We are helping them learn how to self-advocate and remove themselves from toxic environments and relationships.
Respond to the nervous system, not the behaviour. If a child is having a meltdown, shutting down or lashing out, start with regulation, not reasoning. Replace doubt with curiosity. Instead of You’re just making excuses, say Something about this seems hard today. Can you tell me where it gets stuck? or Want to show me instead of explain? Assume needs, not manipulation. Behaviours that are misunderstood as being manipulative are often dysregulated bids for connection, predictability or relief. Shift from What are they trying to get away with? to What are they trying to get away from? Honour their yes and their no. If a child says, I can’t, believe them. If they say No, that’s a full sentence. When we act on what they say, we teach them their voice matters. Name what’s invisible. Say I wonder if your brain is tired from doing so many things in a row or Sometimes when everything feels like too much, it makes sense to freeze. Stop measuring worth by productivity or compliance. A child who lies on the floor all day in a safe space is still learning, till healing, still whole. Let them rest without earning it. Burnout doesn’t always look loud. Sometimes it creeps up, sometimes it hits like a ton of bricks but in whichever way it makes its presence known, if they’re telling you they’re done, believe them. Rest isn’t a reward—it’s a need. Repair when you miss something. We will all get it wrong sometimes. Go back when the time is right. I didn’t listen well earlier. I’m sorry. I want to understand better next time. Let their truth be enough—when we believe them, they begin to believe themselves.